With all the changes after I moved to Atlanta and after I had three kids within a year...I appeared to be super mom to the outsiders looking in. That is, on Facebook. Within all the new challenges, my obsession to lose my baby weight was great. With a diet pill and my strict disciplined attitude, it melted off of me. I always say, genetics played a huge part. I became very skinny within a short amount of time. And while I may have "looked" like I had it all together...I did not. I observed my breast deflate and become flat, my stretch marks, and the reality that no matter how skinny I became I would not love myself more or get the approval I wanted. Over the years, my weight has fluctuated with pregnancy, drugs, or rather I was working out or not. And while I have never been "big" or what society would deem as "overweight" that does not matter when you look in the mirror as a woman, wife, mother, and friend and want to feel accepted and beautiful for who you are...not for your body. Funny thing about my weight is I have always been the most insecure when I was at my skinniest!
And while my mama or whoever may have been happier to see me skinny and looking like a doll-my weight was always a topic of discussion even in my adulthood and as a young girl it taunted me. And I absolutely hate that about society and the shallowness of this world. I share this because your value is not in your God given body. I am huge on being healthy, and working out and taking care of your body, soul, and mind. When one part is defective the whole body suffers. Why am I sharing this? Because I was basically praised for losing the baby weight while I was mentally suffering trying to reach perfection. If only, I was pretty enough? skinny enough? If only, ... It saddens me to think about it now. It saddens me to think about the expectations we place on ourselves and the unrealistic expectations from others. This is about being healthy. Because guess what I learned? Nothing was ever good enough. Because then...I was labeled "too thin", and I needed to eat and "take care of myself." And had I not loosed the weight...I would have been "fat" and "need to take care of myself." It is a double edge sword one that I will not entertain anymore.
I share this to explain that back then I did not love myself enough to give myself grace. My relationship with God anchored my soul where if I gain or lose weight it is not going to depreciate my value as a person. In a world where material possessions, and fake boobs sell. I want to teach my daughter different. By the way, I'm not against ALTERNATIVE surgeries or whatever you choose to make you feel good or better about yourself. I may one day get surgery, who knows! It is about the perspective, and value behind the action. If you are finding your worth in how you look, you need to look deeper. Skin only goes so deep. Just saying! If we saw souls instead of bodies, I think many people's friends would change.