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My Tears Ricochet. Part Eight.

Updated: Feb 16, 2023

Finally, Dex and Janine walked through the door. They both looked like they had been crying with red, puffy eyes. Janine was carrying a pound of weed in a zip lock bag. Dex carried a bottled water in his hand. I tell them how concerned I had been and asked them what happened. The mood had changed from earlier-hours before they were at each other's throats. Now, they both were quiet as Janine picked up the meth pipe to take a hit. Dex sat down beside me on the couch.

Dex: Hope, I died.

Me: What?

Janine: It scared me to death. I have never been around anyone who has overdosed. I am still pissed at his stupid ass.

Me: What happened?

< <I spoke to Janine and Dex to confirm details about the event below>>

{After Dex and Janine left the apartment, they met up with a guy to purchase a pound of marijuana. Dex bought the pot for Janine to sell. Then, they drove into Pittsburg to meet up with Dex's plug (dealer) to buy more methamphetamine. The plug was not answering the phone. They drove to his friend's house (Panda) that was nearby. Panda was the nickname that Dex called him. It was a sizeable home full of filth. As they waited, Dex traded an ounce of weed for heroin. Janine was unaware of the trade. Panda walked Janine outside to smoke weed from his bong. Dex stayed in the living room. He did not want Janine to know he had purchased heroin. He had died and come back to life each time he had injected the drug- this time was no exception. Panda walked back into the house to grab a lighter and found Dex slumped over with a needle in his arm. He was grey. He ran out to Janine screaming he is dead. Janine runs through the house to the living room and begins rubbing on his chest. "Wake the fuck up, Dex." Panda is standing over Dex with his hands above his own head in shock. Janine begins to yell for help. She starts slapping Dex in the face. She heard the death rattle sound.

(It is a gurgling sound. The sound when you are unable to swallow or cough, so saliva builds up in the back of your throat and upper airways. The fluid causes the rattling sound when air passes through. You may also hear moaning and snoring sounds.)

Janine is yelling for Narcan (it is an antidote agent that reverses the effects of overdose) as she pulls Dex by his feet onto the floor. By this time, a girl that was previously upstairs painting murals on the wall ran downstairs frantically screaming. Janine is on the floor holding Dex's head while continuing to slap him. Finally, someone administered Narcan. Dex jerked his head up. Janine is telling him to stay still that he overdosed. Janine started cussing Dex. "We have our kids at home. How could you be this fucking stupid!" Dex started crying as he tried to pull up from the floor. The girl is relentlessly screaming. Dex is fighting Janine to push up on the coffee table. He is trying his best to stand up but every time his knees hit the floor. He was very weak. The side of his face where he was falling onto the coffee table was covered in cigarette ash. He had knocked over everything on the table. It was nasty topped with soda cans used as ashtrays, old food, paraphernalia, and drugs. Dex thought the police were called so he wanted to get out of there. Janine walked over to the girl screaming and told her, "Shut the fuck up. He is okay." After a few minutes, Dex gained his mobility. He looked at Janine, "let's get the fuck out of here."

Janine was ready to go home. Dex curled up in the passenger seat and called his hookup for meth. Dex, "Janine we are meeting my 'plug' at the movie cinema. He is there with his family. Do not start your shit... acting fucking crazy." Thirty minutes ago, she was resuscitating Dex back to life. Now all he wanted was to get high. They argued the entire drive to the cinema. When they arrived Dex told Janine, "Do not say a fucking word and let me handle this." His hookup sat in the backseat. Janine tells him Dex just overdosed. He is a black man late-30s. He shook his head and said, "damn man." Dex told him it was heroin. That he could not touch that shit again. They make the exchange.}

They told me the story of what happened. I began to cry. I hugged my brother tight. "Dex, I cannot lose you." Dex stood up from the couch and walked to the kitchen table. He began to smoke meth as Janine found the scale to weigh out ounces of weed. The kids were upstairs watching television. I did not smoke meth that evening. I desperately wanted to go to sleep. I was sad. I missed my babies so much- I was talking to them on the phone every day, but that did not fill the hole in my heart and the regret in my soul. I walked upstairs to Janine's bedroom. Aleena and lil' Dex sat on the bed watching their show. I held them both wrapped under my arms. All I could think about was them losing their daddy, me losing my brother, and the devastation that would follow. I thought about IF IT WERE ME. I had already come close to death so many times. How selfish it would be to leave my kids without a mother because I had come to be a worthless piece of shit. The negative thoughts fired off in my brain. The struggle seemed too hard. I did not know what to do. I honestly did not know if I could function without substances. I felt like I was better off dead. I would save them the heartbreak from my active addiction. The devil was in my ear telling me lies. The torment was real.

Dex and Janine walked upstairs. We all laid in the bed snuggled up together. I began weeping. Tears flowed down my cheeks as I prayed to God. I needed a savior. I needed love. I needed the hand of Jesus.

Aleena: Hopie why are you crying? I love you. It is going to be okay. You miss Bent Bent and the boys?

Me: I am okay baby. I love you and yes, I miss them.

Dex: It is okay, sister. Do not cry. You are going to make me cry.

Me: I am okay. (I could barely get the words out)

I hugged up to Aleena and finally dozed off to sleep. I was coming down from the high and as reality smacked me in the face; I wished I never even existed. I thought I had failed at life. I was good at pretending I was okay; I wore the mask very well. When I would speak to Eric, I never wanted him to know I was weak. The anger was real but covered up by fear and sadness. The drugs and him brought out a side of me I did not know. I could not believe the woman I had become. It was ugly. I felt ugly.

I woke from a brief nap. I did not sleep long. Janine was downstairs cleaning while listening to music. I joined her. It was time for another hit of meth. It was time to avoid my messed-up reality once more. We talked as I chained smoked cigarettes. Janine did not usually allow smoking cigarettes in the house. She let me. She opened the windows. As I smoked my way through another world. The next day, Dex and I planned to check-in to a local state-run rehab. By this time, I was not interested. He had to go if he wanted to stay out-of-jail. The drama continued to unfold. Dex left for rehab while I stayed with Janine. He called us non-stop. He brought his dope to the rehab and continued to stay high. We were running low. We had to figure out how to get the dope from Dex.

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