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Snowfall. Part Ten.

Updated: Feb 27, 2023

Janine and I searched hard for the keys. I began to panic. I googled a locksmith close by, but I had zero money; And Janine did not have money to spend on a replacement key. Dex was still in the treatment center. He wanted me to stay in West Virginia a few more days so we could spend time together once he left. I already had planned, in my mind, I was leaving. I was hell bent on traveling back to Atlanta immediately. I swear, I thought I had smoked all my brain cells away. I was becoming more in cognitive by the minute. At least I was aware of it and was desperate to get sober and clean up my life. I did not know how I would do it. All I did know was staying in West Virginia any longer was not good for my mental health.


Dex made a phone call to daddy. He asked him to help me out so I could drive home. Daddy had my younger brother Dustin wire the money to Walmart. They would not allow my paper license to pass for a valid ID. Dustin had to cancel the money transfer and wire it back to Janine. Daddy is aggravated at the whole situation. He already thought Dex was a lost cause. He kept the faith that I could get my life straight. He wired a few hundred for gas, hotel, and food. He knew I needed to return to an environment where I could work and go to my meetings. Him and I both were fully aware that was not going to happen in West Virginia. Daddy, I am sure of, was not surprised when we called for help. He knew it would turn into a shitshow with Dex and I both in that frame of mind.


While Janine and I continued to search for the keys, I swallowed a rock of meth. I thought I needed it to drive back home. I planned to drive the thirteen hours straight. It would make me alert and awake for a couple of days. We finally found the missing keys. And guess where they were? In the ignition of the car. We were both so whacked out on the drugs that we did not have one good brain cell between the two of us! Janine was always working on a project that she would never finish or be the mechanic to her own van. And I, walked around the house like an apocalypse occurred.


I said my goodbyes. Janine and Dex did not think it was a good idea. The roads still had ice from the snowstorm that occurred a couple of days earlier. There was more snowfall on the radar. I did not care. I was leaving. Even back then, I had bold faith. I filled-up Betsy with gas. It was mid-morning when I started driving through the mountains. I prayed to God to keep me safe and for me not to go back to jail. The tag and car insurance remained expired. The headlight was still out. Literally, I was running on meth and my faith in Jesus.


{It is easy for us to assume that Jesus does not listen to our prayers when we are living in sin. I did a little research. Two articles I found said, "no, God does not answer the prayers of Christians who are living in sin. And we know that God does not listen to sinners. He listens to the godly person who does his will." I am sickened that people who are in addiction and keep in mind, addiction is not only related to drugs: It can be gluttony, sex, television, social media, work, exercise, etc. believe or read that they are too sinful, too bad, or too far gone for Jesus to hear them. God is omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresent. God is in every place and every time. God knows our hearts, thoughts, struggles, hang-ups, and prayers. I know God has listened and has heard my cry on many occasions while I was unholy. Jesus died on the cross for you and me so that we are forgiven. So even when we allow our fleshly nature to overrule our godly spirit; Jesus is here waiting with open arms. Just like the prodigal son story, God wants us to come home to him. He makes all things new through him.}


As I drove through the snowy mountainside, I prayed. I longed for answers. I longed for God. I longed for wholeness. I did not know how to fix my life. I did not know how to fix me. Even with the numbness from the drugs, I yearned to reach out to the source. The source of life and creation. I yearned for God; the one man who would never let me down. The love that created me. I spoke to him that snowfall day. We had a long conversation-this is what he spoke into my spirit. Surrender. I had surrendered what I was willing to surrender. I had not fully surrendered to God. I wanted things my way with the help of God when I needed it. Does it sound familiar? I was not walking beside Jesus, hand-in-hand. During this time, I was staying connected to God at my own convenience.


(I am beyond grateful God never gave up on me! I tried to get it right so many times. God was always there. God was listening. God was holding out his hand for me to reach. I remained stubborn... until a few months later. God opened my eyes. He revealed himself to me and allowed me to see into the spiritual realm. Through Jesus's bold love I took hold of his hand.)


By nightfall, the snow fall continued. I could barely see the road and out from the windshield. I called Dex. I was scared. I had no clue where I was, and nothing was around me. I had been driving for miles with no gas station in sight. He told me to stop at the next exit to stay in a hotel. That was my plan, but I could not see the road good. All I envisioned was my family finding me days later, dead from a car wreck. My mind went to worst case scenario. I was praying for God to keep my car on the road. Finally, I saw an exit sign; more traffic begun moving so I followed back headlights to stay on the road. I turned off the exit and saw a gas station. I got out of the car to wipe down the windshield-to remove all the snow. There was no hotel in sight. My phone was hit or miss with service. I drove back onto the interstate. I am freaking out in my head! I cannot see how far away I am from the vehicle in front of me. I followed a big tractor trailer into a rest parking lot. I called Dex, again. He is telling me to keep driving until I find a hotel. I am trying to explain to him...I cannot see! Only a glare from the back headlights I am following. I hung up the phone. I look around and see about six tractor trailers. I thought this is a bad horror movie! If an accident does not kill me, the serial killer lurking in the mountains will. I think about letting my car engine run for heat and staying put for a few hours. The snowfall did not appear to be slowing down. I was scared I would run out of gas. Finally, I get up enough courage to continue the drive. I wait and follow a truck out from the parking lot. By the grace of God, I made it to the next exit. I drove to the Hilton hotel, but they did not accept cash for payment. I looked for a run-down motel that would accept cash. I check-in. I took a shower and laid on the bed. I thanked God for keeping me safe. Early, the next morning, I hit the road full speed. The sun was shining, and the snow was melting. I was more than ready to end the road trip.


(In hindsight, like all my experiences; I would not trade it for anything else.)



THE AWESOME GIFT OF RECOVERY IS ACCEPTING THE PAST, YOUR GROWTH THROUGH SUFFERING, THE BEAUTY FROM HEALING, AND ALL THE EXPERIENCES ALONG THE WAY.





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