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Uncontrollable Craving. Part One.

One fine Saturday in May, my cravings were uncontrollable. It was the Saturday before Mother's Day. I woke up antsy. I wanted a drink incredibly bad. It is hard to explain the impulse I had to consume the one thing that was killing me and stripping me of everything I loved. I promise you; one does not wake up and willingly want to become dependent on alcohol and drugs. Like all things in life-it takes time. It had taken me years to get to this point. A situation I swore I would never be in and since I am being honest- I totally looked down upon people who did struggle with such things until it happened to me.


{My older brother, Dex, had struggled with drug abuse basically my whole life that I remember. All my memories I recall from my childhood with Dex is him wreaking havoc in our household. I used to hate when he would pop in and out because there was always drama with him and my mom and more times than not the police were involved. I often wondered why and for the longest time did not like him. But I always wrote him in jail and tried to lift him up. I share this because it is okay to not like or understand someone's behavior and if you have not experienced addiction firsthand it is very difficult to identify with. This is why I try to share as much as I can with my own raw personal experiences. I get it. I used to be the most judgmental person towards people who suffered from drug addiction. God helped me overcome my addiction. And I will never point a finger at someone else's life or choices. God allowed me to walk in it and walk out of it. I know the power it carries, and I know the miracle working power of Jesus. I have a broader understanding of grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love that God showers me with and for that I am grateful and want to extend it to the world. It is easy to judge, why not be different and love. Life can change in a moment, and you never know when it will be you, your child, or family member who will need an understanding, loving heart to extend kindness in such an evil world.}


Back to my story...


For an early Mother's Day present, Bentley and I went to the nail salon mid-day. I started to feel better as we enjoyed our girl time together. I love being a mother and adore time spent with my children. Eric knew I had been feeling down, and he wanted me to enjoy myself. He was aware of the eternal battle I was having but could not fathom why I was so hard on myself. When I had my spiritual 'ah hah' moment, Jesus touched me in a way where I no longer would ever be the same. So- to fall back into old habitats of drinking I felt heavy self-condemnation. Good news! Jesus died so we may live free from all of that!!!


Bentley and I sat in the chairs, and I were asked if I wanted a glass of wine. I said, "no." Although, every fiber of my being wanted to say yes and the whole bottle please!!! After we left, the boys were waiting on us at home; Eric wanted us all to go to the Mall of Georgia to hang out at the outside area. All I could think of was alcohol. We arrived and walked around. A few minutes later I requested cabernet. He handed me the debit card and requested a beer. I walked inside the nearest restaurant/bar. I ordered my usual double vodka with lemon, glass of cabernet and his bud light. Relief came after I drank my shot. It was like all the anxiety in my body temporarily disappeared. We enjoyed ourselves as we played outside with the kids while continuing to drink. After a little while, Eric suggested us walk into one of my favorites stores to pick out an outfit for Mother's Day. My mind was very preoccupied by drinking. I had no desire to shop. All I wanted was to hangout and drink. I walked inside and shopped anyways. Eric and the kids picked out outfits for me as I tried them on. It was supposed to be fun for me. Eric wanted to buy me something. I did not want us to spend the money. I was drunk. I did not want to shop. I was not enjoying myself. I wanted more vodka. Eric was frustrated with me because I would not purchase anything! And the intoxication had hit me. It was another moment that he knew my mind was somewhere else and he wanted me back. He wanted me attentive and 'in the moment' and up to that moment in our marriage I lacked paying attention to the finer details that I honestly did not think was a big deal...turns out it is.


It is what I like to call petty things that should not matter. Example: One of our first counseling sessions he expresses how me not placing the toilet paper on correctly is disrespectful to him. If you know me and my personality, you are very aware of how that is not a fleeting thought of mine. If you have been married for any length of time, then you probably can relate. Eric is type A personality, and I am a type B. After ten years, we no longer argue over the toilet paper placement or the fact that I run my car on E! I believe maturity and the realization that compromises are essential in any lasting relationship or marriage! We keep each other balanced these days.


After we left the mall, we stopped by a drive- thru for food and the liquor store. Eric ran in to get the alcohol. I do not remember much after that. I had already had three double shots of vodka plus glasses of wine prior to the shot we had taken on the way home. I recall stepping outside on the patio to smoke. Early the next morning, I woke in panic. I had my pink dress on from the night before. I could not remember if I ate my dinner or sadly, if the kids had their bath. I could not face myself. So, what did I wake up and do? drink.


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