Updated: Jun 5
The day of my court hearing I woke up emotionally distressed. My name was called by the guard to walk out my cell door and line up with other offenders. I waited my turn for the 'pat down' and cuffs to be placed on my wrists. We were directed to line-up along the side of the hallway. I walked down the hallway with my absolute freedom in the hands of God, my lawyers, and the judge. I felt self-disgust and mortification. The career that supported my daddy's livelihood taking care of his family- I now walked the halls of. My father had built a successful company as a sub-contractor for institutions such as this. I received a flashback from years earlier after I had graduated from Faulkner University when I worked for my daddy. I was reminded of the very time My daddy and I flew to Pennsylvania for a business trip. I recalled walking the halls of a prison institution in contract with my father's business. Back then, I was twenty-three years old who could scarcely fathom people who had to live their lives locked behind steel bars and maximum-security systems. Although, I am unsure why I remained naive and shocked considering my older brother Dex had been in-and-out of them for fifteen years. It was another world to me. One that I never thought I would EVER experience for myself.
I was directed into a small room where my attorney stood. This is in the middle of the Covid crisis where court hearings were done by video technology. The court hearings had already begun. Right before I sat down beside her in front of the computer screen; she said, "Jillian, if the judge will grant you a bond if you attend rehab, will you go? I already spoke to your mom. She will come bail you out." I said, "yes." We sat down. Ms. Wise began reading off my cases. As she read the following: Multiple DUI offenses, hit and run, theft, assault, suspended licenses, open container and so on... tears began to run down my face. It sounded bad, like really bad, as if I was a criminal and a nuance to society. (I have written in previous posts the events that led to the charges listed above)
I thought, "what in the world is she thinking?" Then she stated my case and "special circumstance." She is an excellent attorney who spoke on my behalf and made it personal. Because...it was personal. It was my life, my future, my family in the hands of one person essentially. It is pretty frightening to think about. After reading my alleged charges she then honed- in on my addiction struggle, dysfunctional marriage that would soon be an ex-husband, and that my case was not like other cases. I had graduated from college, had three beautiful children who are very close in age, and my addiction began later on in life after marriage. I had used alcohol as a coping mechanism that I was already seeking treatment for and wanted to continue to heal for my children. She spoke the truth. It was accurate. The district attorney had much to say about it. Had God not intervened and worked in the judge's heart, I believe my story would have ended differently. The judge granted me bail with conditions: within 24hrs after released I will advise Ms. Wise I have arrived in treatment (the judge did allow for me to leave the state), or I need to be signed-up for DUI school. That is the simplified version of my conditions along with drug testing, monthly reports, etc.
The hearing ended.
Ms. Wise: You lost a lot of weight. Jillian, I know it is rough in here. What do you want to do? Now, we are basically waiting for the paperwork to be signed and your mom said she will come get you only if you seek treatment at the Foundry.
Me: So, I have the choice to attend DUI school here in Georgia?
Ms. Wise. Essentially, yes. Noone thinks that is a good idea. Do you think you can remain sober here without support?
Me: Can I call Maverick first before I make the decision to go with my mom? He is sober and supportive of my recovery.
Ms. Wise. It is your choice. One mess-up and this will be your home. Remember that. Call me later with your decision.
Me: Thank you so much for today. I am so grateful for you.
Ms. Wise: Your focus is to stay sober, and I will work out the legal kinks.
I walked out. The officer to administer my handcuffs stated, "You must have received good news today. Are you being released?" "Not yet. I do have a bond now. Very soon I hope." I was directed back to my hell hole; I like to call it. I was on a different mission now. I could not wait for free time so I could call Maverick to come pick me up. I called Maverick and asked him to bail me out. He said he would. I gave him Ms. Wise's phone number for more information. I was so excited! I could taste freedom on the other side. Maverick wanted to see me; even if it was bailing me out of jail...again. He often spoke of his selfish desire to see me and have me a part of his life and on the flipside doing what is right for me and my sobriety. Kind of like a double edge sword. I think we have all been there and done that. I have with my own friendships. The people I had to cut out of my life once I was serious about change and my sobriety hurt. Letting go has never been easy for me. If I care about someone and deeply love them...I love hard. This is in friendships and relationships I have had. I am very passionate about the ones I love. My husband knows, if anyone crossed my children, he would have to talk me down. Hahahaha. (I am a mama bear for sure)
I called Maverick again and he said he would pick me up that afternoon around 4pm. The clock clicked as I had watched it closely; 4pm passed, 5pm had come, when 6pm arrived... I shouted out in frustration, "That f*cking liar!" I knew he changed his mind. Maverick, often times than not, would say yes to something then retract his answer. I thought of him as inconsistent in his ways, childish, selfish, and untrustworthy. It was not much later, and my name was called because I had a visitor from my attorney. I met Ms. Wise in a small room with glass separating us. I sat down.
Ms. Wise: Jillian, how are you doing?
Me: Not good. Have you talked to Maverick? He said he was bailing me out and he is late. (Maverick was never late)
Ms. Wise: That is why I came to talk to you. I knew you would be upset and fuming.
Me: I am f*cking pissed. Excuse my language.
Ms. Wise: He decided he did not want to take the risk. He remains on the Dawson County case that is pending. He did not fill confidant with your release in Georgia for dui school or impatient treatment you found. He does not want to be responsible if anything happened to you.
Me: Really? It is not like I have much option. It is either sobriety, jail, or death.
Ms. Wise: Your mom said she will come ONLY if you agree to go straight to the Foundry from jail.
Me: Tell her I will go. I cannot take much more of this. I want to be sober, and I want my kids.
Ms. Wise. You are making the right choice. Jillian, take this time to heal and you won't regret it. I will take care of everything else. You will not go to court on the charges until after your complete treatment. I will call you mom. Hang in there.
Me: Thank you for everything.
We said our goodbyes and I went back to my little dungeon. The next day I called Maverick a couples of times with no answer. I knew he did not want to talk to me and listen to my disappointment in him. I am so happy today that he said "no" to what I wanted so I would continue my journey to treatment where I belonged. Have you heard the saying, “The things we dislike most in others are the characteristics we like least in ourselves.” I have found it mostly to be true. If I see someone as being selfish...I often times than not, think of ways I am currently acting selfishly.
I also called my mama. I was very happy she agreed to come. I will say, she did not want to come but as my mama who knew me before all of this damage, she earnestly wanted her daughter back. She made it known quite frequently during this time in my life. "I want my sweet Hopie, my angel back." My mama did what all good mama's do...she came to my rescue. But, this time, she meant business. She said, "I was going to treatment and if I started any shit, she would call and have my ass arrested." Southern momma's do not play around when they have had enough of their kids' stupid shenanigans. It was the tough love I needed. Her heart hurt for me, but she could not understand why I was ruining my life by continuing to drink alcohol. It was like learning a foreign language to her when I began to explain the disease of addiction.
Now, I waited for 'MIMS' to be called for the last time...