I was mentally drained as my mind wondered to my children, Eric, Mama, and Daddy. I had many pep talks for myself as I sat in front of my bunk bed while I attended the Foundry. This was one of them. I reminded myself that "I can get through this. Be strong for my babies and God will take care of the rest." My roommate Sonya witnessed a lot of them as she encouraged and reminded me that God did not take me this far to leave me now. I grabbed The Cure book that I had been given and analyzed the cover. It stated: What if God isn't who you think he is, and neither are you. I was captivated. I opened the book and began reading- I could not put it down (highly recommend). I completely resonated with the man in the book. He was on a journey looking for answers as he comes to a fork in the road, and both seem good. As he travels through rooms of pleasing God, trusting God, the room of good intentions and the room of grace it resonated with me very much. “The quality of your life is based in trusting this: Where you are right now is the perfect place for you, or the God of all goodness and power would not allow you to be there.” I thought, "Am I the one making my faith complicated?"
The Following month a lot changed for me. My counselor at the Foundry, Ms. Donna knew how miserable I was working at the thrift store along with Tawana. They made the decision I would be a good fit for an opening position in sterilization at the Foundry dentist office. I was elated. There were two other women from the Foundry that worked there. It was a privilege to have the opportunity. As much as I enjoyed a more professional work environment, I remained entangled by my own intrusive thoughts about the unknown. I wanted to see my babies and I did not have a relationship with Eric and had an extremely rocky one with my mother-in-law. I had very little contact with my family. I rarely called home. I had Jesus, and my support system at the Foundry. During that time, I was 'peeling back the onion'. "Peeling back the onion is an expression often used in psychotherapy as a metaphor for what takes place during the process of self-discovery. When discovered in this way, we are able to take the necessary time to allow the layers to slowly peel back in order to allow for the hidden parts to emerge."
I continued my outside counseling appointments. One particular visit, I had had a rough week. I voiced my concerns. As I sat on the small couch across from him my body began to tremor uncontrollably. I tried to make it stop. I was embarrassed and in fear because I began to have very weird physical symptoms out-of-the-blue. He momentarily walked out and come back with two women. He asked me to sit in his rolling desk chair; and told me to not be nervous that they wanted to pray with me. The ladies introduced themselves as they made small talk with me. One of the ladies held a small container of holy water to anoint me over my forehead.
("In Catholicism, Lutheranism, Anglicanism, Eastern Orthodoxy, Oriental Orthodoxy and some other churches, holy water is water that has been sanctified by a priest for the purpose of baptism, for the blessing of persons, places, and objects, or as a means of repelling evil.")
I looked at all three of them as they reassure me that everything is okay and to keep my eyes open at all times during the prayer. I was convulsively shaking when the prayer began. I cannot remember what was prayed, how long it lasted, and everything in between. What I do remember is having an extremely difficult time looking at him as I began to cough, grit my teeth, and sob heavy tears. After I had calmed down, I walked to the bathroom and my face was covered in black mascara. I did not understand what was happening to me. I felt like a lost puppy, but I had strong faith. If you are anything like me-you are confounded! Demons or evil spirits only attack your soul which is your mind, will, and emotions. Your spirit is of God. That is why it is called demonic oppression. I had strong manifestations and more to come. As much as I did not understand, I trusted God.
I kept having flashbacks of myself as a little girl playing "preaching." When I was a child, I wanted to be a missionary. I would lay out my extra bibles like I played school, but I would imagine myself preaching and helping people overseas know God. At a very young age I had an awareness of Jesus. I was a highly sensitive child that sought spiritual answers and knowledge. I always knew there was more to life than what our eyes could see.