Updated: Apr 26
Every evening I called my babies to ask them how their day went while over emphasizing my love for them and how greatly they were missed. As a mother, I do not think you ever 'get-over' living without your children-even if it is temporary. Some days were harder than others, and on the other days I learned to cope by praying and giving my situation to God. Norma allowed me to facetime them at least once a week, usually on Sunday. It was the highlight of my week. The undoing of my broken heart is what lead to my beautiful spiritual unraveling. It was when I had absolutely nothing and given up my control that my attitude and heart began to transform. I began to talk to Jesus and earnestly seek God. When you understand your faith is all you have, you realize it is all you need.
He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
The bible is complex, and theologians love to exert their meaning behind every context; It is not difficult when you understand the simplicity in what Jesus is saying to you and me. FAITH, small or grand- God moves on our behalf. One of the spiritual elements in addiction recovery is believing in something bigger than yourself. Giving your will over to God. In the rooms of 12-step recovery (in my opinion), although it goes unsaid, the principles are based off of what Jesus has taught for thousands of years. Whether you believe in God as she/he/it or a divine energy circulating the planet; If you open the bible and read the gospels, especially the beatitudes; from Sermon on the Mount located in Matthew 5:3-12 you will understand the nature and teachings of Jesus Christ.
On 12/31/2019, an event from my previous post, I had a divine intervention that activated my faith. A divine coincidence that has taken four years to fully grasp the intention and intervention that had taken place and what events that led after. This is what Wikipedia states: Divine intervention is an event that occurs when a deity (i.e. God or a god) becomes actively involved in changing some situation in human affairs. In contrast to other kinds of divine action, the expression "divine intervention" implies that there is some kind of identifiable situation or state of affairs that a god chooses to get involved with, to intervene in, in order to change, end, or preserve the situation.
We have all had divine encounters that go unexplained. A remarkable event or coincidence that led to a supernatural event, miracle, or lack of a sophisticated explanation that I identify as serendipity. What is serendipity? and how does it relate to reconciliation? Serendipity is finding valuable things that are not looked for by luck or accident. When I walked into treatment for the fourth time in less than two years, I was not looking for reconciliation for my marriage, family relations, or any other friendships that were burnt to the ground along the way. All I wanted was my children and sobriety. What did God do with my surrender? He reconciled everything in my life I gave over to him, including my family. He uniquely divined every single one of my 'aha' moments, serendipity encounters, divine interventions, and coincidences for one brief encounter with pure holiness.
I was finally able to take a 48hr pass from treatment after three months. My mama and granny picked me up on a Friday and we headed toward Myrtle Beach. I was so excited and a bit anxious. I had not held my babies in my arms for months and I had not laid eyes on Eric since our last blowup. Eric and I had talked about things regarding our kids, and he started being flirty with me on the phone. My mama did not think it was a good idea for Eric to be around during the visit. And his mother was absolutely enraged about me coming. Both were aware of mine and Eric's toxic past and the fact that no matter what had happened they would not be able to keep us a part. We had kids to raise-either together or a part. We had to find a way to parent without holding each other accountable for past mistakes. It was over. It was time for a new beginning for us both.
The visit was short and sweet. Eric and I missed each other. When he hugged me-all of our dilemmas disappeared. He looked like the man I fell in-love with many moons ago. He was kind, sensitive to my needs, and extremely hot. I wanted to devour him. I did not. I prayed a lot on the drive. I wanted us to become friends again and not use each other for our own sexual fulfillment. All of it felt so shallow to me. I craved for something more. And honestly, I was not that concerned with him. All I wanted was my babies. He knew that. I was thankful Eric always allowed me to be present in the kids' lives while I was away. It kept me going. We did go out to eat by ourselves the second evening with the kids. It felt like old times, like nothing had ever happened before, and all the love that I had lost was magically there. I wondered if it was real affection toward him or if it was the fact that I was lonely and desperately wanted to keep my family together. When times were tough, they were destructible. When times were good, they were delightful. The visit confirmed what I already knew. We loved each other and no arrest, assault charge, hatefulness, degrading, disrespect, or humiliating events would change it. When I was sober minded all of the horrible discordance was overruled by my heart. I miraculously no longer saw the pain he had caused me, and I had caused him. I had forgiven him. All the family responsibilities, finances, and activities no longer existed to bear stress and arguments into our lives. We talked about leaving the past in the past. If we were going to start anew, we had to do it from a clean slate. We agreed to give each other grace as I talked a lot about God and my newfound freedom. I wanted my family. I wanted a do-over from the consequences of my poor choices while in addiction. I felt relieved after the visit. All of the unknown between Eric and I no longer existed. I felt confident in my future and the future of our family. The kids' faces lit up having us all together again. Saying goodbye was extremely tough. I desired to stay and to move on with our lives together with our very own happily ever after.
There were a few problems: All of it sounded like a great plan, appeared to fit in my fairytale mold, but was not our reality. Forgiveness and reconciliation were step one and two. In order to reconcile, we both had to forgive each other unconditionally, as many times as we needed to, for the rest of our lives. In order to forgive, we had to admit the pain, hurt, vulnerability, the things said and done, as well as the things we did not say, and actions we did not take. It does not happen over- night. It does not occur in one visit or one heart-felt moment. It is a choice you make. It is a choice you make every morning to put another person's needs before your own.
Sidenote: If you want to know what unconditional love is, read the gospels. (Before I chose Jesus, he chose me) It is forgiving someone who will never say they are sorry. (Jesus said, "forgive them father for they no not what they do." It is loving without conditions. It is loving without the yoyo of 'you did that, now I can do this.' It is loving without selfish motive of gaining something in return. Because in losing oneself in love you gain something even greater. God created two to become one. One flesh. Holy.