God ensued a glimmer of hope back into my spirit. In the meantime, I had put all my faith into Ms. Wise; as I jokingly told Amanda, "I hope she is as wise as her name entails." We had a lot of time in our cell together exchanging stories and laughing at our own stupidity. In situations of this nature, you have to laugh to stay sane. She had already been to prison a couple of times for drug offenses and had currently been on the run for two years, barely leaving her house. She lived with her boyfriend that she referred to as "daddy." It disturbed me at first, but after hearing about her childhood and absent father-this drug trafficker cared for her and made her feel secure. It started to make sense. He supplied all her needs and wants. She was never without heroin and their home was like a trap house. For those who do not know the lingo, it is a home where drugs are sold and used. A place where 'junkies' crash and recharge for another high. She told me how 'daddy' would lavish her with expensive purses, clothes, and anything she wanted. I thought, "yeah, for a drug trade off or it was stolen." Not that I had any room to judge another on poor choices. I honestly really liked her. She told me I could go to her house when I was released, and she would make sure I was taken care of. It started to sound enticing. I thought, "Okay, That's my plan. I can go disappear, use drugs and no one would ever find me until I was dead." I know, it is really messed up thinking. But-when you are at your lowest sitting in a jail cell with nothing...to escape and disappear painted a heavenly picture for me. Although, it did not last long because the holy spirit easily convicted me of my rash thoughts as I angrily prayed to God, "Your will be done. Place me where I need to be."
[ I knew it was not God's will to send me back to my death. God wanted me to live and glorify his name through this awful experience. God was fighting for me. Did God want me to relapse and end up in jail debating taking my own life...absolutely not. I made that choice as soon as I picked up the vodka bottle. What God did in my situation was take what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good. God used every circumstance I found myself in to bring me back to him where I longed to be the whole time. While I was out searching for my "more", it was within me the whole time. God wanted me to come back home and walk with Jesus. Jesus is the only answer and way to our heavenly father. If you want a fulfilled joyful life no matter your current struggle, situation, circumstance, love or lack-of; it is only found through a RELASTIONSHIP WITH JESUS. I am speaking from my own experience. I have searched things of this world and found myself 'chasing after the wind'. It was a lonely road. When I found myself at the feet of Jesus' I changed.]
Amanda became my 'ride or die' behind bars. She made it known no one would mess with me (which I honestly wanted to tell her; I could hold my own. I looked innocent but if I needed to fight, I would. I had so much anger brewing in me during this time, it is a good thing I never had to implode on anyone. I was like a volcano waiting for the opportune time to explode.)
Prior to Amanda's arrest their home was raided, and 'daddy' was not at home. He worked a full-time job in construction along with his extra-curriculum activities that would eventually land him in prison. She was arrested on the spot. She explained how the task force busted in and tore their home a part. I thought she was a real gangster! All of her paranoia began because she was fully aware they were after him next. Her cravings heightened. All she wanted was to get high. I watched her sign language another girl from across the cell block. I was intrigued. She said the girl had suboxone and that the "bitch better share." As she told me, "Do not worry angel I will share with you." I thought, "She is nice." Later I learned she had "girlfriends" too. I thought, "oh hell no, I do not go that way! I hope she does not think that about me! I sure had not given her that impression." It is a different world behind bars, especially for frequent flyers. Not long after the sign language incident about ten task force officers and a detection dog walked in. All of the inmates were called out of their cell. We had a thorough pat down as word circulated about the drug. The officers had a shakedown tearing apart all of our belongings and beds looking for contraband. The girl supposedly ingested it all when the officers walked in. Amanda was pissed she did not get a taste. I did not care. All I could think about...how in the hell did I get here? Afterwards, the entire unit was in lockdown. There I laid on my bed asking the Lord to please get me out of the hell hole. I fought with my mental health daily. I did not know how I would make things right in my life, if I could stay sober, or even if I wanted to live; but I did have enough faith to know God was real and he would move on my behalf.