Updated: Aug 17
I began my fasting in January. Why did I fast, again? From my last experience fasting expedited my course to freedom while unveiling the lies I had been believing my whole life. My total compliance is on God when I starve my flesh. It heightens my spiritual walk with God. I become less, and Jesus becomes more. All of my doubts, fears, and worries for my future- I laid at the feet of Jesus. I needed a miracle. I had one month until I walked out the door of the Foundry to embark on my new journey. I was stressed. I prayed fiercely for the supernatural presence of God to direct my path. My family was not going to hand me a silver spoon. There would be no paid for apartment, new phone, or my heir diamond ring back on my left ring finger. I had to prove to my family that I was serious about my sobriety, that I had truly changed.
The best thing you can do for someone in active addiction is let them reach their rock bottom. Whatever that may be. I have said, for me, rock bottom is death. In saying that, my family stopped coddling me and when they did...the pain became so severe I had no escape except seek help or die. It saved my life. Had I stayed one more week in my apartment in Atlanta...I do not think I would be here today sharing my truth. It is easy to judge someone's path. It is more difficult to understand and have compassion. When I walked into The Foundry Women's Center, I had no idea my life would be completely transformed. My family were praying for a godly intervention.
The road was hard. It was not easy. It was worth every single intervention. I believe every single detour, treatment facility, sober living, drunk episode, drug, heartbreak, incarceration, and spiritual warfare carried me to this point in my life where I can share what Jesus Christ accomplished in me and will continue... He gave me new eyes. I once was blind and now I can see. I once was lost and now I am found. I once was unrecognizable by my own family; Now I am not the wayward daughter. Jesus called me to come home. I knew my life would never be the same. I had changed from living in bitterness and rebellion to living authentically for my Lord. It does not make me perfect. I am sinner saved by grace. I no longer want to be the pilot to my airplane. I crash every time I think I can live outside the will of God. I now pray, "God, I want your will to be done. Make my paths straight with confirmations." I need clear direction. I am at a place where if it does not sit well within my spirit it has to go. I no longer want to play Russian Roulette with my existence. Living for God does not remove my spontaneity, adventures heart or my free spirit. Afterall, God gifted me with these characteristics. In a sense, I believe having an open-mind, empathic caring soul is what makes me unique. God gifted us all with special abilities and characteristics to help build the kingdom of God. What is yours?
In my journal, dated all the way back to January 2020, my prayers were very specific. I prayed for God to bless Eric with a secure career. I prayed for Eric to find us a home before I left the Foundry because I would not have physically been able to stay in South Carolina to see my kids unless I went into a shelter. Why? Because Eric was staying with his mom. I was not welcome. And my family was not going to pay for my new start. It was time I stood independent like I use to at twenty- two years of age when I was not so co-dependent. I went from total independence to total reliance on Eric. when I had become a stay-at-home mother as much as I despised not having my own "thing" or income as years passed it had become my clutch. Throw addiction and low self-esteem in there and as many steps I had taken forward, I had always taken more backwards. I was determined "not this time." I cried out to God, and he heard my prayers.
Eric was offered an amazing, secure job to support our family. The last week I was in impatient, Eric purchased a home in a great school system and wonderful neighborhood. EVERYTHING FELL INTO PLACE. I had many hurdles to overcome when I walked out the door. The biggest difference in my attitude is that I had faith in God and trusted he would keep me covered and no weapon formed against me shall prosper. He has not failed me yet. The real work was about to start. I was walking into a new environment where my anxiety was heightened. ALL of my legal charges had been on hold until completion of treatment. My faith was about to be tested on many levels and occasions as I had to completely surrender to God. I was facing jail time or house arrest according to the judge. When fear set in, I had to tell myself over and over again...God did not bring me thus far to leave me.