UBER. Part Fifteen.

The kind drug impaired acquaintance of mine drove away. I shifted my minivan into drive praying the entire time that I could at least make it to my next destination in the morning: the liquor store. I drove back to Walmart and sat in the parking lot awaiting morning to gain access to more vodka and advise a plan to get back to my children. One thing I finally had come to terms with is I could not go back home, and I had civil court in two days for the FVO. I was determined to be present and fight for my rights. There was one major problem- I was suffering from severe alcoholism. My brain was incapable at that time to make rational logical decisions. I was operating sheer out of survival which is a very dangerous place to be especially while under the influence of substances. And to top it off, the minivan was running hot and I had no place to lay my head. I was broke and homeless. The monetarily restraints were difficult, but my spiritual brokenness outweighed an external value I placed on things of this World. In those moments, all I wanted was peace of mind. Actually, If I were to get really technical, I wanted to be loved. I did not love myself. I hated what was happening and what I had allowed to transpire in my life. I wanted so badly to be everything to everyone (that's where my perfectionism takes root) not realizing until I had compromised so much of myself that all I truly longed for is acceptance. Now, I have a spiritual awareness that has allowed me to know who God has called me to be and my identity is in him. I thank him for the growth and challenges he allowed because I would not know him to the depths I do now without the suffering I endured. Mindset is everything. I can reflect on the losses, poor choices, and trauma as means to self-evolve.

(I have not written in over a year, technically August 2024, WOW! due to other goals and obligations I have had with my family and work responsibilities. This is not CHATGPT generated, btw. This is my real, raw, honest and hopefully life-giving words to help someone out there know...you are not alone and you have purpose).

Daylight arrived, and I drove to the liquor store to purchase vodka. Thereafter, I drove to a local mechanic shop to have them look at the minivan. They started giving me quotes and I left. I did not have money, time, or the cognitive ability to listen and take advice. I called Eric many times, which was violating the order, I did not care. I left voicemails explaining how I needed his help. The minivan was breaking down, and I had nowhere to go. In all honesty, all I desired was to be with my children. There were no alternative motives to cause havoc. Although, when under the influence that tended to occur because Eric and I had so many unresolved issues. He did not answer. I felt abandoned and completed defeated. I called my Daddy and asked him to please send money for a hotel room so I could attend the court date the following day. He mentioned getting an AIRBNB because it would be cheaper. I went online and found one a few miles away. I have some memory lapses throughout that day. I do recall at dusk stopping at a local gas station while attempting to cool down the minivan from running hot. I had been drinking all day. I call my daddy in a panic. I had no idea where I was at, intoxicated trying to find the AIRBNB location. Recipe for disaster. He suggested getting an Uber. I downloaded the app and found a driver. The driver pulled up, young guy, and asked if he could stop and pick up his friend. I agreed. One thing led to another, and I ended up snorting what I thought was cocaine (now I know it was methamphetamine) with the Uber guy and his friend. For hours, we stayed in the vehicle listening to music as I am sure gave some sappy story about how I missed my children. I did not go to sleep that night. I stayed at the Uber's home and early morning asked if he would please drop me off at my old neighbor's home (Charlene) because she planned on attending court with me as my social support. He did. I walked in Charlene's house and attempted to look presentable for court. I had on jeans and an oversized grey sweater of Eric's appearing like a hot mess, exactly what was presented on paper to the judge. I fit the storyline that day. But one does not simply come unhinged unless pushed to that point.

I may have acted tough on the outside, but I am very sensitive individual. When Eric walked in playing Father of the year when I had been involved taking care of our children for years, taking them to doctor appointments, paying the bills, grocery shopping and being a dang good mother, I broke. Something in me that day, as painful as that moment was shifted my entire existence. I hysterically cried, not the cry I did not get what I want but the screeching soul wrenching cry of suffering. The judge ordered the 12- month protective order. As much as it hurt, and I felt betrayed (And you can read up to previous posts that led to this event) anger brewed. I immediate completed the paperwork for another hearing.

I am writing about things that obviously transpired from years ago. God can transform, revive, and change circumstances.

My goal for 2026 is to complete what I started in 2023!!! IFITWEREME