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No Bond. Part Three.

As I read my charges, I looked for my bond amount. There it read: no bond. I immediately went into fight-or-flight mode. I walked to the window and asked for my phone call again. Minutes later, I was handed a mask while I was escorted to a small glass room with one small table and a phone located on the wall. A nice lady approached me as I told her I had been in a treatment center that the no bond should not be relevant on the old charges pending. I stated my case and surprisingly she listened and said she would try to help me. I told her my story and how I had three children waiting at home for me. I desperately needed the judge to lift the no bond.

My first phone call was to my mama. My mama asked what happened and so on... I asked her to give me Eric's phone number.

Mama: Hope, he is done with you. I already talked to him, and he said he will not bail you out. You cannot come back home.

Me: Give me his number, mama.

Mama: Hope, I am telling you he is filing for a divorce.

Me: The motherfucker has been drinking with me. Hell, we were just out drinking together. Of course, he will act like he has done nothing wrong! I am so f*cking tired of him acting like this. It could have easily been him. He just was drinking and driving with me and the kids!

Mama: Hope, no one can bail you out. You do not have bond. When you get out you are going back to treatment! He will not let you see the kids. He has already made it known.

Me: I am working on getting a bond. Mama will you please come get me out? He cannot take the kids away from me. He does not have the legal right to. I hate him! How could he do this to me?

Mama: Hope, that I do not know. You should of never went back to him. We knew this would happen. You were doing so good. Ya'll always end up like this and he is blaming everything on you. He said you wanted to drink.

Me: Of course, I did mama. I am an alcoholic. So is he! I did not make him drink! And he is the one who purchased a majority of the alcohol. It's not fair! Why am I always the one who gets caught and ends up in jail? And he always looks like the innocent one. He is fooling all of ya'll! He will not take my babies!

Mama: I know, but right now you have no say in anything. You are in jail with no bond. Stop worrying about him! That's your problem! Focus on you so you can have your kids! And you know your daddy is done! He said you need to stay in jail.

I hung up the phone. I could not hear any more of my current reality. It hurt. The anger and malice I felt toward Eric in that moment-I cannot describe. Once again, I was met with my abandonment wound. It was a slap on the face. I did not understand how Eric, my husband, who is supposed to be my safe place, my protector, could turn his back on me so quickly without giving me a second thought. Especially, since we had reconciled, and he was fully aware of my drinking and my warfare that I was experiencing. For me, it was confirmation of what little love and dedication he had toward me or our marriage. History repeated itself, once again. We drank, I got caught, I go to jail/treatment, and he appears to be dad of the year holding down the fort from the drunkard wife.

[There are many ways to access the situation. The truth was clear. I needed help. If I picked up a bottle, I could no longer put it down on my own. I would have only progressed worse. As much as it hurt, God intervened and today I am thankful for it. Eric had to deal with his family in the situation. The picture he had painted of me was ugly. An out-of-control mother and wife who put them in danger. He knew the real truth. I guess, I held such an intense grudge, because some truth may have been revealed but not all of it. Back then, Eric preferred the spotlight to be on me and my wrongdoings so his would not be examined. I am more than okay with that today. It made me strong. He knew I was a fighter and could endure it. He had to deal with his own guilt, shame, and demons in his own way. We were at war with each other, but the real battle was not about the others' wrongdoings or lack-of-love. It was our own baggage we brought to the marriage that had manifested in every circumstance and situation making the other person the enemy. We both reacted to each other out of our own fears and insecurities. I finally realized Eric was not the enemy- the unhealed version of myself reflected back to me was the real issue. Acknowledging that, my perception of him and all my relationships I began to view differently.]

After I hung up the phone I was escorted back to my little dungeon. I racked my brain on ways to get out. I was fearful. Eric like to play dirty; and then always regretted how he treated me afterwards. In knowing that, I was terrified he would want full custody of the children. But he knew I would have fought to my grave against him. All that did not matter at that point. On paper, I appeared unfit. I had been in-and-out of treatment facilities for two years with multiple charges of drinking under the influence and racked up a few more misdemeanors along the way. I felt like 'I do not have a dog in this fight.' A few hours later, a woman came to visit me and said she was able to have the judge come off of the no bond on one charge, but the other ones I would have to appear in court for. I told her, "I need a lawyer." She reminded me that in court the judge would appoint me one if I could not afford my own. "Jillian, you will be sent to 'population' shortly where you can make more phone calls. Hang in there." I laid back on the bed cot. I was about to have the real overall experience of jail. I had previously always bailed out and had only spent 48 hours in lock-up. Now, I will be looked upon as a real criminal-not a traffic stop arrest. Although, a part of me was relieved. I was in withdraw from alcohol. I thought, "at least I will get medicine for a week to knock me out."

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