This was the first time I had been arrested sober. I was not a happy camper. The officer walked me to the millimeter wave. (It is a machine which bounce electromagnetic waves off the inmate to provide an animated image where a suspicious item might be located. The full-body imaging is located in some airports during TSA.) Then, I walked to a desk to do my fingerprinting- I was in the computer system. By this point, I had made three previous trips to Gwinnett County jail. It was awful. After, the officer walked me to the intake jailcell. There were two black phones located on the side wall in front of the window. I made a call to Eric. I gave him my login to my Wells Fargo bank account to pay the bond in full. The bond amount was around $2500. I did not want Eric to get out at 1am with the kids to sign on a bail bond. Thank goodness I had the money available. Although, I felt Eric was responsible for paying the amount. It was like I would get to a middle ground with him where we would consciously let the pass go, but every single time it would come back to bite me. I would take two steps forward and three steps backward. No matter how hard I tried-my past always came back, hauntedly.
Gwinnett County does not 'play around.' While I was waiting for my name to be called for release, I met a young girl. She had dark hair in her late 20s. Her sister was waiting to pick her up. Our names were called back-to-back. I asked her if she mind dropping me off at my home nearby. She agreed. We made a pit-stop by a local bail bond company for her to sign the paperwork. I sat patiently...waiting. They dropped me off. I walked in and there laid Eric, on the couch, pretending to be asleep. He lifted his head up and I just looked at him. I had nothing to say. To this day, he has not asked how I got home or if I was okay. Nothing. It was yet another night, I pushed down into my subconscious. I wanted it all to end. Sadly, it was only the beginning.
The next morning, I was exhausted. I did not arrive home until after 3am. My adrenaline and racing thoughts kept me awake the remainder of the morning. I put on my scrubs and drove the 45 minutes to work smoking cigarettes and drinking my morning joe. When I arrived, I put on my fake smile, prepared paperwork, answered the phone, greeted patients and expressed to my colleague how tired I was. She offered me an Adderall. Every fiber of my being new I did not need to take the pill. I made the excuse it was okay since I had been up all night. And alcohol was my downfall, not pills. There were a couple of my co-workers that had a prescription for Adderall. I heard them talk about it. Until that moment, it was never an issue or a fleeting thought. Now, I was triggered. I was tired. I was irritated. I wanted to escape my legal troubles. I wanted to escape my consequences and the life I was living. I was no longer content. I was 'hungry'. After I swallowed the pill, I felt anxiety. A few minutes later...I felt much better. All of a sudden, life did not seem so unpleasant anymore. I was motivated to finish my day and complete all my tasks. It decreased my appetite. I no longer needed food to survive. I needed Adderall. And lots of it.
After having a taste of the pill (poison), and I say poison because my nervous system responds to chemicals differently; I 'flipped the switch' and my brain was now focused on one thing-staying high off of the 'feel good' chemicals that substances induced.
I had one rule: do not drink with it. In my mind, drinking was my problem. I became out of control while drinking. Alcohol impaired my judgment and that is when I would use illicit drugs. Adderall is a legal drug. Now, I wanted my own prescription so I would not bum off my co-workers.
I decided to ask one of the psychiatrists at the clinic to prescribe me my own drug. It was not the doctor I assisted. I scheduled an appointment on the schedule to speak with him about my current issues and why I needed a prescription. I lied. I said I had been prescribed it before. Up until that point, I worked with integrity. After that moment, I gradually started to spiral downward. My life started to revolve around my "legal medication" and the next dose.
For the first week, I handled myself well with the pills. In the mornings, I took 2x the prescribed dosage. It was not a big deal. (To this day, I have a hard time taking
one of anything (even vitamins!) By the second week, I was its B$tch! I felt great but I was becoming over-stimulated by the medication-due to my misusage. I needed one thing: vodka. I was going up, now I needed to come down. I preferred downers. The right opportune moment came along. I decided to drink with the Adderall while Eric and the kids were out of town. I was on a false cloud nine! I felt, okay; I can drink and use alcohol like I did back in my "party days" with Eric.
Side note: All Eric and I did our first-year dating is remain intoxicated. Honestly, I cannot remember one time we were together that we were sober. Back in the day, we both drank heavily. I always brought opioids while he usually had the Adderall. It was one rockstar weekend after another. It was fun, while it lasted. But all things come to an end. We always tried to get back to the place where all we did was love each other. It was long gone along with my tolerance for alcohol and drugs. God held better plans for our lives. That life was a counterfeit.