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Another In the Fire Standing Next to Me. Part Eleven.

I walked in my apartment. I turned on my phone; I had no service. I walked out my driveway unto my neighbors. She was an older lady grabbing her groceries from her backseat. I asked her if I could use her phone. She handed it to me as I made casual conversation. I immediately called Charlene. I was on her phone plan when the original downfall happened between Eric and I to save me money. I had forgotten to pay my part of the bill. I apologized as she asked what my plan was. She had already been informed of my arrest. The phone call was short and sweet. I do not recall a lot, but I do remember my phone was back in service. I asked Maverick to come visit me. It was late afternoon, so we went out to dinner. He planned to come back in the morning to help me with my car. There was one problem; the car was in Eric's name. As we walked into the impound business the employee asked to see my license and registration. I was not the owner of the car, so in order for me to have the vehicle released to me; I needed Eric's signature on a release form. I said, okay; not like I had a choice. Maverick and I walked to my car. As we walked around the vehicle, it was then, I realized I had wrecked. There was another problem-even if I did get the car out it would need to be fixed. It felt like I could not catch a break. As I saw clothing in the backseat (from the boutique) and a fifth a vodka in the front; Maverick said, "no way you are taking that with you." We walked back to the front desk, Maverick handed the "young guys" the fifth. Saying, "you guys enjoy, she does not need it clearly by the look of the car!" We laughed.

We left to go eat at a nearby barbeque restaurant. I was down feeling defeated. The one thing I did order to get through this relentless pain...I would find a way to purchase a drink. After, Maverick dropped me off back home. He tried his best to keep my spirit up and direct me into a positive direction. But he knew me, and he was fully aware, I would end up back in jail (where he told me I needed to stay for a little while), if it would save my life. Pissed me off; but he was aware from experience; I was not done with my self-destruction. I was not ready to give up the fight. The internal fight I was having with myself.

As soon as he left, I downloaded the Lyft app on my phone. Within five minutes, I had a ride taking me to the nearest liquor store. I walked back to the Lyft car and within three minutes, I had inhaled two mini 100 proof vodkas. I walked in my apartment feeling a lot better. Now, I could relax, play my music, and hide away from my problems and the world until I needed my next dose.

I did not report to probation immediately. I did call and leave a message stating I would need to make an appointment that did not interfere with my job. I knew it would buy me a little more time. It did. The following days are a complete blur. I have fragments of memories. One memory I recall, is a woman Lyft driver who I apparently had running me all over the town. In my impairment, I assume we made friends. I do remember her coming in my home and asking to pray with me. I have never turned down prayer! She prayed and when she went to leave, she said, "You do not need the cards you have on your table." I laughed, and explained they were my "angel cards." They were angelic oracle cards. She left. I sat down on my couch and began shuffling my cards. I picked one and read it and went about my day drinking and doing whatever the hell I did.

The next memory is me in Target's parking lot at night. I could not find my phone. I do not remember where I had been or what I had been doing. I asked a woman to take me home. She did. The next morning, I woke up with a lot of confusion. I did not have my debit card, phone, or any alcohol that I could find in my unfunctional state of mind. I began walking to my bank that was a couple miles away. I was determined. I needed money to continue my 'death spree.' I walked in my bank; and took out a few hundred dollars. Then, I asked if I could use someone's phone to call me a taxi. I did. A

foreign man picked me up. I told him my circumstance and how I needed to make a couple of stops. The first stop was the liquor store, next I stopped by the Metro store and purchased a new phone. When I arrived back home, I do not recall what I did.

At some point, I believe that night or the following night I made a phone call to my mama telling her I had a new number. And from what my mama told me, the call scared her to death. The next morning my dad drove to Buford, GA and found me underneath my bed out-of-it.

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