Updated: Mar 1
My spirit began to lift as I gained a new confidence and new friends. Finally, I felt like my life was turning around for the better and I was in control of my own destiny. Alcohol and Eric was not going to hold me back any longer. In my mind, if I stayed sober, divorced Eric, became financially secure, and had my own home; I would get my babies back full-time and meet my prince charming. I would get my fairytale after all. I had a warped sense of view of a healthy partnership and marriage. My view of marriage had been atrocious. Honestly, my view of men was forever changed. I had a deep-rooted core belief that all men were wicked. I wanted to meet a "good man" who said what he meant and meant what he said! (More of my core wounds were abandonment, rejection, unworthiness, etc.) But, to keep a "good man" I would have to be a "good woman." My heart had been crushed by my dysfunctional marriage, "daddy issues", and lack of love for myself. I was in no shape or form ready to love another or present myself as a "good woman." Good and bad are subjective. I am referring to my belief in the divine sacred partnership created by God. I knew I was selfish and soon learned the power I held being a woman with a lot of sexuality. I had always embraced my feminine side and loved to love. (Sex was NEVER an issue in my marriage. We did not lack passion. We lacked communication.)
During this time, Eric and I were not connected emotionally nor physically at all. The only conversation we ever had concerned the kids. He knew I had zero plans coming back to him and I knew he was moving on with his life. It did not bother me. I was happy that I was venturing out and experiencing life without him. I always felt, he held me back. Now, I could breathe, and be free. Freedom comes with a price. The price was high. I had some amazing experiences that led me to high highs, and low lows. I was trying to figure out "Hope" again without speaking to 'the man upstairs' that created me. This was another detour of me searching for love and happiness in all the wrong places. Was it fun? I would be lying if I said no.
What 'broke the straw on the camel's back' for me was when Bentley was in a local pageant. My mama drove from Alabama to help with her hair and make-up. My mama is "boojee'! Bentley has always been my mama's little princess! Actually, Bentley has always been everyone's little princess! She rules the roost! Bentley placed 1st. Not because I am being bias, but she should have won! I always enjoyed pageants when I was younger. But I grew up, and really did not consider myself a "pageant mom." I am far too hippy and bohemian for that world! All that went out the window when my baby was on stage! I adjusted quite well with the "pageant mom" dynamic. All of a sudden, I felt very protective over her feelings and gossiped about how the judges were clearly out of their mind! I was being a typical mama. Anyways, the family was there. Eric's family and my mama and granny. Eric had been drinking vodka. I knew it by his body language. No one else would have ever known. At the end of the pageant, we all went backstage for pictures. I smelled vodka on his breath. I did not say a word. It would have made no difference back then. He would have denied it and said it was from the red bull. Eric never drank red bull without vodka. It was his chaser. When you have been married as long as we had; you know each other's behavior. I said my goodbyes as I went to my car, and he left with our kids. I had a bad taste in my mouth and resentment in my spirit. There I was, living in a sober living due to alcohol abuse and my husband, the father of my kids could not put down the bottle either. Eric did it because he had major social anxiety. I made excuses for his drinking. All while, if I would have drunk vodka before a school function there would have been an intervention for me. I would have been sent to another treatment center or jail-because I drove with the kids in the car. I felt injustice. His family always turned a blind eye to his behavior. I was the focus. If Eric kept the focus on me, no one would know the truth about him. After that incident, I was done. I felt Eric lived a lie and he had everyone fooled. I vowed that I would never let another man ruin me again. I held so much indignation towards Eric that I did not have to face my shadow self, yet. It would come...but first, I was going to enjoy my freedom!
Remember the gentlemen that bailed me out of jail and pursued me like I was his prize possession? With my newfound freedom, independence, and sassy attitude; he was on a mission...I was his destination. I had no desire, at first, to be a part of whatever he wanted from me. He was older. I enjoyed the attention and his persistent chase. I love flowers. He would send me 'out-of-this world' flower bouquets to work. I would lie to my colleagues and tell them they were from my husband. I lived a lie, covering up my troubled past and current affairs. It would later come to light. What is done in darkness always comes to light. I am now thankful for the explosion. It saved my life a few months later.
Maverick and my friendship surprised me. I enjoyed his company when he was not overbearing me with his unrealistic expectations that I clearly would not meet. I made him feel good about himself. I listened and made him feel heard and was not judgmental of his past. He had a good heart. I felt he was a bit crazy, but I understood his crazy. It was like my crazy. A lot of misunderstood emotions and actions due to lack of love for himself and lack of love he received/gave his wife-at the time. He was a safe space for me. I knew he never wanted commitment from me. He only wanted my attention, and he took pleasure in taking care of me. He knew I wanted nothing to do with men. I had been hurt before, and he knew I loved Eric. As bad as I would curse Eric's name, it bothered him to know that we shared something that he could and never would give me. He would ask why did I keep going back? I would respond, because of the kids. He knew it was more than that. But I will say, we truly had a lot of fun together. We made each other laugh! It started very casual. Before I knew it, we were going to get our palms read, weekly dinner dates and coffee breaks. He became a part of my world. I would talk to him about spirituality, and he would talk to me about his therapist appointments! I was a part of them conversations more than I would have liked. The adventure continued...Should I keep it PG or R???
"If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything."-Marilyn Monroe