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My Surrender. Part Four.

For the following two weeks I attended my classes, worked at the thrift store while wrestling with my kid's new home (Myrtle Beach) located so far away. I spent my nights praying for protection over my children and for them to not feel abandoned by me. I prayed for Eric. It was very difficult to accept my new temporary home. I had always been a very involved mother. I remained in agony knowing that I was missing out on their lives. I did not realize how much I missed the little things, such as, dressing them for school, or cooking dinner until I had no part in their everyday routine. I was angry and jealous that someone would 'take my place' when I was their mom. As much as I resented Eric and my mother-in-law, I mainly hated myself. I was not ready to face my own demons...so, they decided to visit me.


My day started out like every other day at The Foundry. I woke up at 5:30am by my roommate Sonya. She always woke up before me and made sure I was awake on time. I grabbed my coffee and walked down a flight of stairs. It led me outside to sit on the bench; I smoked my morning cigarettes while drinking my strong coffee. I always spent most of my morning outside and the other few minutes quickly dressing myself and completing my chores. Roll call was at 6:15am. At this point, I was heedlessly going through the motions of treatment. I was quiet, followed the rules, and painfully counted down each day that passed me by. I had to continually remind myself that 'this too shall pass' and it was one day closer to holding my babies. After roll call all of the girls' walked across the hallway to another room we defined as "the cup." In this spacious room, speakers would come, and we would listen to Christian worship songs. A small kitchenette and bathroom were connected to the room for staff and visitors. It was a cozy room with a television, couches, table and chairs.


On this particular morning, December 31, 2019, New Years Eve, a girl named Rachel walked into the room to speak. Prior to this, I had not been interested in the speakers, the classes, or the program. I did enjoy my counselor, Ms. Donna, but she was it. Ms. Donna was a middle-aged African American who God sent into my life. I loved her honesty, her ability to listen without judgement, her wisdom to speak the truth about God, and her gentleness. She has many spiritual gifts, but God has truly blessed her with discernment, counseling, and loving on people regardless of their cultural background, race, or religion.


I cannot tell you what Rachel spoke on. She visited occasionally, I do not remember if it was her story or not. All I remember is she caught my attention and I listened instead of spacing out. I do remember she was on fire for God and what he had done in her life. Afterwards, she announced that she would give individual prayer for whoever wanted it. I had never had anyone lay hands on me before of my knowledge. I wanted it. I felt she had a direct line to God. I thought, "I need her to pray for me. I know it will reach God." I was a bit anxious giving that I did not know this woman. When it was my turn-I walked up to her as she asked, "what do you need prayer for?" I told her my children -that I was having an extremely hard time not having them with me. From there, she began speaking in and out of tongues. I instantly felt the holy spirit working through her. I recall her saying a protection prayer over me. She began by touching the top of my head, my back, and lastly, she held her hand on my chest over my heart. She spoke on protecting my mind, my heart, and my body. At the end, she looked at me and told me my kids were being taken care of and I did not need to worry. I cried. I immediately walked back to my room, which was against the rules after we start our morning classes. We are not allowed back into the dorm. I went anyway. I got on my knees, by my bed, and sobbed uncontrollably. I prayed to God and for the first time in a LONG time I felt GOD'S Presence with me. It was my SURRENDER. It was my surrender to God, the ONLY one who had the ability to move the mountain in front of me. I had nothing left. I prayed out, "God please forgive me. I am so sorry. I NEED YOU." It was there I sobbed at the feet of Jesus. It was me and Jesus. It was part of my 'spiritual awakening.' That is a term used often in the recovery and the spiritual world. It was my AWAKENING. My awakening to God and my surrender to Jesus Christ. It was there on my knees by my "jailhouse" looking bunk bed that my faith became reactivated. I felt a love and a peace that only God himself had the ability to shower me with during that troubling time.


My spirit was relieved. I walked outside to wait for the second van to load for work. I began to feel "funny." It is hard to explain in words how I felt; it was like something abruptly overcame me and I was mentally and physically off-kilter. I walked over to my dear friend Amber. I felt fear. I tried to smoke a cigarette, but my vision became blurry. I could not focus; my equilibrium was imbalanced. I felt like I was floating and very disorientated. I told Amber I did not feel well. She suggested to go to the office. I started high- stepping to the office. As I am approaching the office, I cling onto Amber as I appear to fall-out unconsciously into a seizure. From this moment on- I had an outer-body experience into a supernatural spiritual realm. What occurs next, I refer to it as my dream; but it was in fact real.


I checked-out from my body. I went into a few seconds of seizure then woke to a spiritual warfare that witnesses concur was a demonic attack. I was in a battle of good and evil. For me, in my "dream" I could see myself in the office seeing demons. It was pure evil in my face; I was terrified. They were coming after me as I screamed "God is real. " From what onlookers told me, a demon was manifesting itself through me. I was screaming to the top of my lungs, growling, hissing, speaking in a demonic tone while going in-and-out from myself. I was fighting back -and- forth into two different realms. Good and Evil. When I would come into my own consciously, I was petrified. Then, I would flip back- and- forth from the demon manifesting itself to me singing with Amber, Jesus Loves Me. Norma called 911 and ran behind the desk scared to death crying. There was no sorcery flying around like in the movies. There was me. There was me, a child of God, that had opened doors for the devil to come into my house (soul) and when I surrendered a few minutes earlier to God...he was not thrilled about it. So-what did the enemy do? Use his old scare tactics to shake my world up and everyone else around me who had witnessed the bizarre occasion. The last memory I recall is the devil pulling my hair trying to take me over to hell as I held my hand out for Jesus to save me. It was my tug-of-war from darkness to light. The light of Jesus conquers all evil and the devil's schemes. I had a choice. I chose to reach my hand out to Jesus.


1 John 1: 9


When we open ourselves to Christ’s light, when we agree with God about our sin and turn from them, then He is faithful and just to cleanse our hearts. (1 John 1:9) In other words, the light of Jesus Christ always wins.


Finally, the EMT walked into an unearthly scene of me crawling on my knees speaking in a demonic tone. I was injected with two shots of Ketamine. I calmed down and drifted off to sleep, I guess. I woke from the hospital hours later completely confused. I had no clue because I was lying in a hospital bed alone.


Sidenote: I had never seen demons before or ever experienced hallucinations. Not even while on drugs. I do not even know if I TRULY BELIEVED in demons or spiritual warfare until I experienced it. I was very ignorant to warfare of such and never gave demons or the devil much thought. I believed in heaven and hell. But-all the reality in between-I never questioned. I do not have mental illness that may even rectify that incident. IT WAS SPIRITUAL. What the enemy meant to hold me back, God used to rewrite my story. MORE TO COME ... If you are interested in reading Amber's view on the event-Go to my God Is Real blog. TWO.


Also...continue to follow and keep up...DELIVERANCE is coming.





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