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Where Do I Sign? Part Three.

Updated: Jun 27, 2023

I called my babies daily even if it was short and sweet with an 'I love you' and 'I miss you.' The only time I spoke to Eric was to ask, "why haven't I been served the divorce papers. Where are they? Call your lawyer and find out." Eric filed for the divorce after my arrest. He wanted me served in lock-up. I never received the papers in jail and was more than determined to sign the papers and 'cut the cord' from any remains of him associated with me. I even thought about changing my last name back to my maiden name. My heart was filled with hatred toward him. And at that moment, I was completely over the eight-year circus I had been living. In my mind, divorcing him dismissed most of my problems. I was wildly inaccurate.


{And some assumed, especially family, staying home with my kids (all basically the same age) with no family close-by had contributed to my major downfall that manifested itself publicly in 2018. I loved being a stay-at-home mother. Yes, it was challenging, stressful, and demanding but my babies were never the issue. So, what was it?}


Eric said he would contact his lawyer. I wanted to "get the ball rolling". I was very straight-forward with him about custody. I would NEVER give him sole custody over my babies. I knew I would contest the original filing. I had major anxiety concerning the issue. I was more than ready to divorce Eric. I had been threatening him with it for years. I was very immature when I fought with Eric in the beginning of our marriage. Our fights always ended in belittling, threatening about the kids and divorce, and mind games. We both were guilty and were always severely intoxicated by substances when the fights had taken place. I always wanted to get away and return to Alabama when I became upset with him. And he always threatened and cut me where it hurt by words. My main love language is words of affirmation. Obviously, I love words, writing, and I am a big fan of showing love by the words that you speak. An example of this: If I am belittled or called an unfair name-it stays a lot longer than a slammed door or push on the floor.


I keep it real for you guys! I know some of you have been there! Ever had a fight with your spouse or significant other where 'words to start to fly' things are said that are hurtful and as soon as you say it...you wish you could take it back. Or actions occur that are portrayed from anger and insecurities, and later you are filled with immense guilt for the lack of control and childlike reaction or behavior. If you answer No. My blog is not for you. Ha!


Proverbs 18:21/ Amplified Bible


Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it and indulge it will eat its fruit and bear the consequences of their words.


Because the truth is, God warns us about the power of the tongue and the dire consequences it holds when speaking unjustly and unkind. We all have moments where our "mouth" will get the best of us. Now I tell my own kids, "You better toned down that mouth before I do it for you." Don't laugh! I get it from my mama! (I highly dislike a disrespectful tongue aka ya' mouth!) Anyways, to bring it full circle, I have said things hurtful that I did not mean, and I have kept my mouth shut when maybe I should have spoken up. It takes pure intention, maturity, and a higher knowing when to speak up and when to stay silent. In most cases, if you cannot say nothing nice then do not say anything at all. I had become so begrudging toward Eric and people I had entertained in my life that I was hurt by. God gave me a reality check about the fruit that was spoken from my own mouth. I hear Taylor Swift's song, It's me, Hi, I'm the problem, It's me.


Finally, Eric said the divorce papers had been delivered to the local sheriff's office. I thought, "It is really happening. I am getting divorced!" Sonya, my best friend, drove me to the sheriff's office where I grabbed the manila envelope while adrenaline coursed through my body. I sat down in the car and opened the envelope. I felt like my body had been lit on fire! As my temperature raised, my heart started to pound faster, and my hands started to slightly tremble, I was furious. Sonya looked at me and already knew I was outraged. "What does it say?" "He has lost his f*cking mind. He knows I am not going to agree to this sh*t!" Funny thing is... I did not get very far reading the legal documents. My body was in shock from the second page as it described my location: Gwinnett County Jail waiting with no bond. As I read, the worse it sounded for me. On paper, he had me appear like a 'worthless piece of shit' who had abandoned her children for drugs. Like I had never mothered them and was junkie. I was not even concerned about anything else but my rights to the kids. As soon as we returned to The Foundry, I called my mama. I was so upset as I asked mama to find me a lawyer. "Mama, I have to contest the divorce papers. He is F*cking crazy and only wants to hurt me." My mama knew this would happen. She already knew the battle I was about to fight. Actually, she said it years before it came into fruition when I was getting drunk... a lot. "Hope, Eric will play dirty and will try to take the kids from you. I am just telling you; you better get your shit together because it is coming. And it does not matter what he has done. He is vindictive and is already recorded videos of you drunk. He sends them to Becky (his mother)."


Back then, I was naive and never thought I would be in the position I was in where I had to fight for my kids. In my mind, I had given everything to my family and was involved and dedicated to my children. The problem was not that I was not there for them, because I was. Drunk, high, happy, sad, sober, and incoherently existing. The problem was that I was reckless and unpredictable when I used substances. And my relapses you can easily identify by the arrest. When I relapsed, I went hard. As you can read from previous posts. It is the same dynamic when I was sober. I was wonderful when I was myself and sober of mind-the issue that remained was apparent-Eric was tired of my addiction and honestly, I do not blame him. He said, "I was exhausting having to look after." If you know us, then you are aware I never wanted to be "looked after" or him acting like my dad. I let him know many times, I have a father and he needed to work on himself and stop worrying about me. I do not like to be controlled. Who does?! It definitely sparked major rebellion in me. Eric was smart enough to know the only way to capture my attention was to take the kids away. Otherwise, "I was off to the races." He did not want to bury me; but for all who were outsiders were terrified it was coming. We had both been in a state of fight-or-flight, we both wanted to end it. Our toxic relationship, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and lack of God in our lives; we were destined to crash and burn. No one can survive marriage without God in it. And if you do it without God, you probably are living hell on earth. It takes sacrifice and dying to self to love each other like God intended.


Sidenote: God can restore any marriage or relationship if you give him reign to and if both parties are willing. And if you find yourself in an abusive or messed-up situation..., did you ask God if it was the right man or women to pursue, date, marry or plant your seed inside of. Just a thought...we would save ourselves a lot of dysfunction and heartache if we talked to God first. We tend to ask God for advice or help after we have made our own decision. Prayer is powerful. Put God first.


I hung up the phone with my mama after I was advised to go to work. Off to the thrift store I went. All I wanted was to lie in bed and drown in my sorrows. The exert of energy had me exhausted the rest of the day as I stewed over Eric's devices. Later that evening, I called the kids. I spoke to them a minute and then asked for Eric. Eric hates confrontation. He hates confrontation with me when I get on my "high horse", mainly because he knew I was not throwing a white flag in this fight. I expressed my concerns and let him know "I will see you in court. and hung up the phone." Eric tried to convince me it was only words on a document that after the Foundry I would have joint custody. I was not falling for it. I was not an idiot. Even if I had my dumb blonde moments, who doesn't?


I know, you may be thinking, and how are you guys still married?! It gets better.




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