I began to embrace the unknown because I was no longer burdened by my past. I made genuine friendships. I wrote a letter to my Daddy. I wrote a letter to Eric. I cannot remember if I wrote my Mama a letter or not; she was there most Sundays to visit me. I started to make my amends. This time, it was not difficult for me to admit my wrong doings and take responsibility for 'my side of the street' so to speak. The veil was removed from my eyes; I had this amazing ability to see from another's point of view. For years, all I saw, heard and lived in was the betrayal of others' and the hurt I endured for other actions or my own. It was like my brain had kept a list of every hurtful word spoken, every slight mis-action, every lie, every misconception of a situation or deceit, and double-cross. All the wrongs were stored and calculated for my own excuse for retaliation behavior. This was especially true with Eric. I unconsciously stored every harmful, unfaithful and disloyal act.
I sat down on the rug, by my bed, where most of my writing, praying, and devotions were done. It was my holy place. My designated space to talk with Jesus. My letter to Eric was an acknowledgment of my wrongdoings. I asked for forgiveness for what I had unintentionally put our family through. I asked for forgiveness for my actions and for not being a good wife. For so long I had pointed my finger at him. I blamed him for my breakdown accusing him that, "I was not like this before I married you." I was hateful. I admit it. 'The mature Hope' acknowledges that my actions were my own and no one and no circumstance can make me partake in unhealthy behaviors unless I ALLOW IT. Despite his own behaviors' he did not own me nor the decisions I CHOSE to make and the things I allowed in my life. I did not ask to delay the divorce. Honestly, I was not seeking reconciliation for our marriage. I was seeking peace. I wanted us to leave the past behind us whether together or a part so we could parent our children in a healthy, loving environment. Did I want to try to save our marriage? Absolutely. I knew I would carry some sort of guilt if we ended our marriage from addiction related issues. I gave it to God. I released my will and prayed for God's will. I was very determined I would not revert back to the same environment I got so sick in. Change was required. I wrote a list of what I would not allow. I knew Eric did not want the divorce anymore. He kept stalling the papers. Every time I asked for an update, he seemed to change the subject. We started talking more on the phone. He encountered me in a whole different way. He wanted to be a part of my new world where I was no longer chained by alcohol. The more I unlocked understanding "my crazy" helped me understand his more. There was LOVE. Although, I was aware he was not evolving and growing like I was spiritually, it did not matter when he began listening and his good qualities that I was very attracted to at first and had fallen in-love with radiated. Eric was no longer my enemy; he became my friend...again. It was nice. I looked forward to our daily check-in conversation.
The Foundry lifted the no visitor policy due to covid. So, on Sundays I looked forward to my visits with my mama. Our relationship had been so rocky the past few years, it was a wonderful feeling building back what had been lost. I will say, for me, it was much easier to reconcile with my mama than anyone else. You only have one mama- respect and love her! I held a grudge against her for the hurtful words spoken while I was in-active addiction about myself and my children and so on... To have my mama back in my life was very soothing to me in a time when I desperately needed her. There were times when I was struggling that I cried on her shoulder as she held me tight. I am bigger than she is, but she would wrap me up like a baby and it was exactly what we both needed. It was the comfort of unconditional love. A mama's love. No matter how many disagreements we have it doesn't alter our love for each other. No matter how bad my attitude, sins, or unruly behavior is... I know my mama is going to be there for me. (Maybe with a couple of curse words) Haha!
This is a drop in the ocean of how God loves us. Not only did mama wrap me up in her arms, but Jesus did also. His presence is REAL. I have seen and felt the love of God in a very personal way. You can too. If you do not know where to start, pray. It is our direct line to God along with reading the bible. We all experience God differently. But he is still the same. No matter what your past or current situation looks like. If you are weary of religion and the "God stuff"...you will change your mind when experienced for yourself. Jesus turns the tables. He turned the tables on religion protocols and leaders back in his day. The truth is in the relationship. NOT the songs you sing, the church you attend, or your service. God looks at the heart, while the world looks at appearance and status. There are millions seeking but only few find the truth. What is your truth? Who is God to you? Or what is he not? Think about it.