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The Discharge Plan. Part Five.

Updated: Mar 18, 2023

I decided after my original 72hr 1013 hold deemed by my parents and the psychiatric hold by the doctor I needed to 'unruffle my feathers' and chill out. I was not going to "get my way" by causing disturbances. I began "taking " my naltrexone pill from the nurse. I would hold it in the back of my mouth; when I lifted my tongue for assurance it would not fall out. Although, the nurse was not stupid because I would immediately walk to my room and spit the pills into my hand. I had a hard time deciphering between two pills. I only swallowed the Wellbutrin anti-depressant. I flushed the other two down the toilet. After a few days of that, I began to have brain zaps. It is electrical shock sensations in the brain. It can happen when a person is decreasing or stopping their use of certain medications, particularly antidepressants. Brain zaps are not harmful and will not damage the brain. However, they can be bothersome, disorienting, and disruptive to sleep. (Brain zaps throw my equilibrium and my entire nervous system off.) I highly do not recommend ever stopping an anti-depressant medication abruptly. From experience, it made me deathly sick with flu-like symptoms, sensory, and mood changes. I was way out of my depth changing the chemical function in my brain. Do not do it!


With my new attitude, I spoke to my case manager about my current problems as she asked the daunting question at the end: "Why are you still married? There is an underlying pattern of dysfunction and abuse that you continue to engage in that is undeniable detrimental to your overall well-being." I replied, "we are getting a divorce. All I want is my children. " She did not seem convinced. And was bothered by the fact that Eric participated in my addiction when he should have supported my sobriety.


{Eric supported my sobriety, but he also engaged in my addiction. That is the truth. But-that is the sheer insanity of addiction and the lies you tell yourself that this time will be different. We both tried so hard for years to "get back" to our happier days when we drank and enjoyed each other without the chaos drinking had brought upon our lives. Eric loved drinking as much or more than I did. He had been drinking the way he did for much longer than I. It had been a part of his life and routine for years (before he even met me) and when I began to join him the way "he drank" it destroyed me, quickly. My drinking and actions are no means his fought. I was having my own internal battle with myself. Instead of communicating with Eric years earlier how I was struggling- I began to hate that he could drink and do what he wanted while all I did was take care of kids. He always helped me with our kids, but I was jealous of him and his "freedom" back then. My addiction manifested itself outwardly when my anger toward him became a bottleneck. So, years later, here we were fighting each other when the real problem was the lies, we believed; and the sin we allowed to come between us.}


I advised her my plan of action. I will go straight to The Arches sober living. I had been there twice and remained sober while in the program. She told me I had to call the sober living and she would verify my plans. As well as speak to whomever I arranged to pick me up. I told her, "Not a problem."


I had my work cut out for me. I schemed a plan with Katelyn, my friend I had met there. She had been released. I called her and told her the "plan." She agreed to help me get discharged by posing as my cousin from Alabama who would make sure I went directly to the sober living in Georgia. And far as my plan to sober living, I made a phone call to Todd (owner) and explained to him by current situation and my "plan" to come. I had my planned verified by my case worker. I was happy and relieved. Freedom was coming.


There was one problem...because the doctor placed me on a psychiatric hold, I was advised that I had a court date where I would stand in front of a judge and state my case of my discharge plan and the judge would make the decision. If there had been a fly on the wall when my "lawyer" came to visit me; to say that I was mad does not do my emotion justice. I was deranged. I stated my case to the lawyer while he looked at me unenchantable. He said he would be back in a couple of days for court.


My stay in the nut house was out of my control. It was out of my parent's control. Now, the doctor made it clear...it was out of his control. He told me, "I will state on my notes you have had a major turn-around and have been compliant with treatment."


I am sure I looked at him like "go to hell! you evil, disgusting person as a human!"


Now, I waited. And while I waited, I observed all the "crazies" surrounding me. (Because I was not one of them! LOL) There were a couple of patients that clearly have stuck-out in my memory. One young, black girl who ran everywhere she went with her boobies hanging out. She was loud and obnoxious or drugged-up in her room. And when she ran down the hallway to put on her wig...her eyes rolled back in her head and another person manifested. First time I witnessed it- I was captivated and scared a little bit. When I first met her, she would run into our meal room and laugh hysterically the entire time. I was so annoyed. One day, I looked directly in her eyes and said, "shut the fuck up. Noone wants to hear all that." She laughed and ran away. I then realized she was truly mentally ill and felt bad for being hateful. After that moment, she took a liking to me. She followed me EVERYWHERE when she was awake. At first, I was extremely annoyed, but I started to become empathetic toward her. I wanted to learn more about her and how she "became" the way she did. I began asking her basic questions that at first, I could not follow. Later, after spending time with her and piecing together what she had shared with me; I wanted to help her. And by helping her, I mean, be a friend and listen. She would come knock on my door and ask me to walk with her. Which was a small U-shape circle around the nurses' station. What I did observe were quite a lot of personalities. The strongest one, that annoyed me the most and captivated me the most was the woman she was with the wig on. Every time she would run down the hallway to grab the wig, I thought, "oh no! here comes my entertainment for the day!"


Another young guy, in his late 20s, was a mute when I first checked-in on the unit. I would watch him for hours crawl on the floor picking up small pieces of fuzz or marbles he would find. When he was not crawling around, he was hunch-back pacing back and forth. He reminded me of Jason off the Halloween horror series slowly walking around looking for his next prey. And guess what? He annoyed the crap out-of-me too! One day, in my boredom, I decided to join him in one of his serial killer walks. I asked his name, and he whispered it to me. Naturally, I began whispering back. I asked him what drugs was he on? I was very curious. I assumed, He got himself some "good dope" and that was why he was fixated on the small objects he collected from the floor. He would even move the community room furniture around searching. I would later find out from nosy-Ing myself in the patient techs business that his father had put him there for trying to hurt his stepmother. He had not been on no drugs. BLEW MY MIND! When he snapped out of the mental state, he had been in... he was extremely intelligent, and I felt protective over him because he gave me a different version of the story. Who knows what really happened...I had become his advocate! He needed to be released too!


There I was fighting the system for my freedom and the freedom of my newfound friends. It was quite the experience and one that I am grateful to have only been familiar with one time.


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