After my intake I walked back to my old room straight to my old bunk bed. I was on the second floor with Norma, the dorm supervisor. I loved being close to Norma. She was like family, and I was her baby! I would sit on her bed and talk about my troubles and listen to her struggles or the daily gossip. As you can imagine, housing twenty-five women plus more creates a lot of drama. It was definitely my safe space.
My best friend Sonya had come back after covid to complete the program. I originally wanted to room with her or at least on her floor. That did not happen. I was sent back to my "room" and while I was still in my own little world from the Xanax, I had taken prior to arriving; my anxiety engulfed me. Reality hit me hard. I was aggravated because I had to start the entire program from square one, back to the beginning, back to the beginner classes, back to the red lanyard. I learned quickly to let my frustration go. I had no control over anything except for myself. I had no control over my kid's daily routines, school functions or activities. Thankfully, during my time away, the kids remained at home because of covid so I did not miss any activities. This was very early into the covid crisis. The entire country was on alert. Looking back, it was perfect timing for my treatment while exactly on time with God's divine plan. I love God and how he loves us so much that he orchestrates our lives in a manner that benefits our well-being. He is good!
A couple of hours after my arrival, Norma administered a drug screen. I failed for benzodiazepine. That is the ONLY drug screen I was allowed to fail without being terminated to the streets. I told Norma my story and all the drama that led up to this moment back in treatment. She listened as I ranted on about Eric and hugged me when I cried about my babies. Later in the day, the girls came home from work. Relief came when I hugged all my friends. I was able to laugh again and was encouraged by my sisters in Christ. There were a group of us girls that bonded and truly cared for each other. To this day, we remain sober, strong in our faith, and love each other like I had never experienced before with past friends other than family.
We are the princess warriors! We all have fought the good fight of faith and continue to. I have no doubt that God placed us all at the Foundry to heal, learn to love ourselves and each other. Have you ever bonded with someone on a soul/spiritual level? The connection is remarkably different. When I found a group of women that prayed in the spirit with me and for me...let me tell you...you know the sisterhood was sent from God. Pay attention to the people God sends you on your journey. Not all people you encounter are meant to stay; obviously! I have found God sends us people along our journey to help us, teach us, or simply love us. When you find yourself in a new relationship or friendship, etc., ask yourself what the intention is? It will save you a lot of disappointment and unmet expectations. I only speak from my own experience! I like to speak on relationships because the people you entertain will either suck the life out of you or bring you effortlessly contentment and happiness. When I walked back into treatment as much as I hated to pause my life...again; my friends greeted me and I felt content, like I was right where I was supposed to be. And I was.
I knew the ropes so to speak so I effortlessly fell back into my routine again. (Wake up at 5:30 am, smoke and coffee, throw my clothes on, chores, and rollcall.) My mind was not clear. I struggled mentally to find balance while physically going with the program. I was never a problem. I kept to myself and read a lot of books and my bible while making rare appearances to smoke and talk with my friends. I was fighting battles in my head that eventually I surrendered to God. My change was NOT an overnight quick fix. I was not delivered from addiction on one fine day. I am not saying it cannot happen, with God all things are possible. But for me- I had to put in the work to break free from my chains. I would not have learned and experienced the power of Jesus Christ if I had been delivered instantly from my demons. God works miraculously in his divine time.
I struggled a lot at first with blaming God for not saving me. I struggled with who God was and why he let bad things happen to good people. I struggled with his existence and mine as well. I struggled with my own pain and suffering and why other people were never caught and were free to do as they please. I was in agony and wanted answers. Have you ever had a situation where your heart and mind are not lining up? I have; on more than one occasion. My heart knew the truth. It was my mind that had me discombobulated. Have you ever heard the saying, "the heart wants what the hearts wants."
My heart sought God while my mind sought logical explanation.
Jeremiah 17:9 In the Old Testament states: The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
How confusing! Right?!
Romans 12:2 KJV: And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
What I believe to be true from God's word and my own heart is simply this: By following God, remaining in your faith, and trusting God's word as the truth, your heart and mind will align with God's divine plan for your life.
I had to let go of what made logical sense to me.
YOU CANNOT MAKE LOGICAL SENSE OUT OF THE DIVINE.
This is why we have God, the holy spirit and guidance to help us on our spiritual journey. If you want an answer; pray. May not happen overnight, most things worth waiting for does not. Walking with God was the best and most important decision I ever made in my life. Am I perfect? well, you guys already know the answer to that question!
I began to settle down after a few weeks, accept where I was at, and leaned on God. I had discernment and an awareness that I opened demonic doors that only through fasting and prayer deliverance would occur. I walked around with a heaviness. It was very obvious in my eyes. The eyes are the gateway to the soul. That is why eye contact with the right person is pure magic. It is like seeing into a different world; their world and if its comfortable there, consider yourself lucky in love. During this time, my eyes were not clear. I decided to do whatever I had to do. I sought God with all my heart, with all my soul, and with all my strength! I meant no devil in hell was taking me out of this world! I had to get back in the fight. and so, I did.