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Over or under? Part Eight.

Around three weeks, I had a family counseling session. My session consisted of Eric. He was the only family I had around. I remember walking around the pond area in front of Twin Lakes having my own personal session prior to the family one and I told Amanda, "You just wait. I want you to witness Eric for yourself." Although, I had not yet come to terms with how sick I was, I was fully aware of how sick mine and Eric's relationship (marriage) was. There was no denying the passion we had for one another, but it was textbook flawed from gaslighting and much more. I do not remember a lot of the session except for the conversation when Eric had his time to say what his issues were with me. This was the moment I waited for. I thought to myself, "now you can see how crazy he is." Eric rambled off how " I disrespected him by not putting the toilet paper roll on correctly and how I did not watch his favorite Star Wars movie with him." By the way, I still do not know the "correct" way the toilet paper roll is supposed to be. Is it over or under? Who cares!!! Eric did. Back then. Was it really about the toilet paper? Yes and no. Did it bother Eric that I did not put the toilet paper on correctly, and love Star Wars...yes. I think the little boy in him thought he would marry a woman who would do and act just how he wanted and was always happy and cheerful. I was nothing like he envisioned. I am flawed and so is he and if he ever tries to pull the toilet paper "act" again ...I would look at him like he has lost his mind! Because I am more mature, and I am not going to entertain nonsense. As the saying goes, "there are bigger fish to fry!"


I share that silly, but important story to say, relationships are hard work and if you find yourself arguing over petty things it is usually an indicator there are deeper needs not met and expectations unfulfilled. We had a lot of issues during that time and the toilet paper was the least of them! Digging deeper requires you to take an honest look at yourself and each other and neither one of us was willing to do that. We did what we had always done, we made amends, and wanted our lives to go back before it all fell apart.


On Christmas, Eric was late coming to my visit and felt I unvalued and non-important. Like another chore. I was upset with him, but happy to see my babies and thankful he brought them to see me because he did not have to. I thought I smelled alcohol on his breath and to this day I do not know the truth. It is not like he would tell it. What I do know, I held resentment towards Eric because while I was in rehab, Eric was at home with our babies drinking the same way I did. And what else I know: accepting my path and realizing every detour, treatment facility, and relapse is what I needed to heal is the only thing that matters. If anything, I am so happy Eric was able to control and function for our kids' sake! And the fact that he stopped drinking without requiring treatment is nothing short of a miracle...it is God.


As life at Twin Lakes began to end, I was nervous to go home because of my court date. I was excited to be back to "mommy", but life was going to be different, and I had real bad anxiety about my current legal status. It was my very first-time in ANY kind of legal trouble at thirty years old. A DUI was the end of the world-as I knew it. It's a good thing I did not know what was to come in the next few months. I completely lost my mind when Eric betrayed me. The betrayal was where it cut the deepest-my babies. It is only God's grace, his sweet goodness, and hand on my life I recovered. Stay tuned. This is by far my least favorite memories to address.



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