My next quest for freedom and happiness I laid at the feet of Jesus. I was sick and tired of not feeling good about myself and my on-going identity crisis of asking God; who am I? What is my purpose on earth? What happened to me? Where did I go?
I had found peace with the situation with Eric but remained chained to my past. I was in a continual battle with the devil. My faith was strong, but the devil had me question God, myself, and my life. I craved answers. I was highly motivated; and searched for knowledge of spiritual warfare. I had experienced God for myself but the doubt I carried remained until I sought deliverance. I made myself AVAILABLE to Jesus. What does that mean? I let go of every distraction in my life for a brief time period. I no longer held onto what I knew to be true, and I trusted God with all my heart. I yearned for my miracle. God is a miracle working God. I know this to be truth.
I am stubborn. It is not a piece-of-cake breaking down my barriers. I figured out early in life how to protect myself from uncomfortable feelings, situations, and people. I can zone-out and ignore my surrounds in a heartbeat. Some of it is by habit and other times it is because I want to be left alone and unbothered. A couple of my unhealthy coping mechanisms were very handy while I was at The Foundry.
(I can be a loner and I am perfectly okay with my own company. I am a true introvert, but on the other hand am very extroverted by people I am comfortable around. I am uniquely beautiful and confident in myself these days. God showed me how to love myself again-mainly from acknowledging his love for me.)
When I decided to make myself available to God, I made myself unavailable to things like drama, gossiping, people, and food. My FASTING was my first clear devotion and availability to God. It was my YES. It was my total obedience and sacrifice to my Lord. The Elevation Worship Song Available I played over and over again while having my intimate prayer time in my room, on my knees, in complete surrender. Right before my fasting began, I sang the lyrics with a sincere heart.
Here are a few that stood out to me:
Narrow as the road may seem I'll follow where Your Spirit leads Broken as my life may be I will give You every piece
I hear You call I am available I say, "Yes, Lord" I am available
Here I am with open hands Counting on Your grace again Less of me and more of You I just wanna see You move
Everything I have to bring Let it be an offering, oh
For the One who gave me life Nothing is a sacrifice Oh, use me how You want to God Have Your throne within my heart
God, it's my prayer, that my life, will be an offering
So if You can use anything, God, You can use me, Yes
Come and have Your way
Oh, use me how You want to, yeah
The intimate moments with Jesus, alone in my room, created the profound change in me. While others were focused on the daily drama or socialization, I remained devoted to why I was in treatment. It was not a playground for me to pass time. God gave me a second chance at living; and living abundantly with his guidance. I did not know what it entailed but I wanted it. So, I did whatever it lay hold of. There is no one size fit all-in recovery. But-if you want to live a life with a peace that surpasses all understanding, loss, heartache, or sickness; I recommend following Jesus. The only one who gave your life. I do not follow religion. I follow Jesus. There is no turning back once you experience the supernatural evidence of God. Everything in this world is fleeting. The love of God will always remain in every season.
The Church of the Highlands held a 21-day fast the Foundry participants (upon our own choice) followed along with. Every morning I woke up earlier to attend the service held via online. The pastor opened with prayers, a few songs, with a quick devotional speaker to encourage the body of Christ to stay the course and 'wait for the miracle'. There are many fasts a person can choose from or give-up something you love for the 21 days. I am an all or nothing type of person. For this, there was no exception. I prayed and prayed, and I knew I was called to give up food.