Parting ways with my friends in treatment was bittersweet. It was my time to spread my wings. I had spent every single day with them for months; from the moment I woke up to the time I laid my head down on my pillow. We were family. By this point, I was more than ready to cross over to the 'real world'. But I was fully aware it would take time to adjust. I had my routine. Who would I chat with early mornings, while it is still dark outside, drinking my morning coffee and smoking my Marlboro Reds. I know it may sound silly; I had become adjusted to the rules and regulations that walking outside in a public store felt weird. The only socialization I had were with women I lived with. I was very isolated in an environment where there were little distractions.
The day I left, I cried tears of joy and a little sadness. I thought I was leaving behind my shield from that which protected me. It had become my safe bubble. The outside world seemed so minutiae. Then, I could have cared less about social media, worldly or material things. Obviously, that changed. It is amazing how little you are affected by negativity when you do not have a phone handy; with one click it can change your whole attitude for the day. I try my best to keep my scrolling on positive content. Unfortunately, the only solution to avoid the trolls of social media is to refrain from it all together.
God answered my prayers. I have had many bumps in the road, God has always carried me through every detour. God is faithful to his promises. You can believe that. My mama wanted me to stay with her for a week. She was delighted to have me around. She even offered for me to live with her until I got 'on my feet' if things did not work out with Eric. What a huge change from the last time I stayed at her house while in active addiction. She tried her best to have me arrested! My heart was full. It did not take me long to reconnect with the social media world. It was a fresh start to a new life. I felt in my soul this time was different. When I felt overwhelming anxiety, I prayed. I prayed my short prayer, "Jesus it is you and me." When I felt afraid of the unknown my faith in Jesus gave me peace.
I called my daddy. My daddy was one hundred percent against my plan to move to South Carolina. He had very little faith I would remain sober if I stayed with Eric. In his eyes, it would be another shit show he would have no part of. What my daddy did not realize...I was different and no matter what situation came my way...I no longer required a bottle to sooth my mind. My family will tell you it is nothing short of a miracle I survived and live to tell my story. My mama reminds me periodically, "Hope, I do not know how you got through it. I do not think I could. You are a strong woman." Writing my side of the story not only is healing it sets me free.
My daddy stored all of my belongings in Montgomery, Alabama at his business. As I thought of solutions, the easiest and most effective way to relocate my possessions to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina was by my daddy. I had asked my daddy for so much in the past. Every Time I tried to run away from problems, I called him to come save the day. My daddy is a fixer (most men are). If I need sound advice or a logical answer to a problem...I call him. If I need anything concerning emotions or heartfelt intuition, I call my mama or a friend. That is the way God made us as women and men! We complement one another. The yin and yang. It is beautiful to think about how every intricate detail of our existence God formed in his perfect image. I had to swallow my pride and fear of what may come out of my daddy's mouth.